Thing Are Different Now

I started to write this post in my Journalism class one day —the naughty boy I was, for I was supposed to be working on something else— and have not touched it since.  That was possibly back in October or November, and the note you see below seems to be foreshadowing what I my life has turned into now:

Odd feeling, shh, Journalism.
Starting something new, a different feeling in the air.  I don't know.
The reason I've been away, got too tied up in schoolwark, too sucked in.  Wanted to escape, but couldn't.  Had ambitions to return in the summer, but those were squashed with my job.
Started this, my last year in highschool, with high hopes, was very ambitious.  Then I hit a brick wall, could not make any progress in my life, was forced to turn inward and gaze upon myself

And when I finally did make the decision to turn inward and reflect upon my life up until this point, I was shaken by certain realizations that forced me to reshape the way I thought about myself and about my plans for the future.  My conscience chose to do so very quickly, so I had no other choice but to try to keep up.

I struggled with trying to come to terms with it all and I feel that it had almost cost me my life because of it.  It was a sink or swim battle that I could not afford to loose and I had to choose whether or not I was to fight, and stand a chance at living, or if I was to just let myself work deeper and deeper into my sorrow and let myself die.  I chose to fight.

That is the meaning behind the "starting of something new" and the essence of a "different feeling in the air."  I had to find some other direction to take my life in than that of the grave, and dwelling on my struggles wasn't going to help me achieve this at all.  So, I needed, very desperately, to find something else to distract me from my woes and draw attention away from my current situation.  I had all this extra energy bottled up inside of me, and instead of unleashing the front of it on myself, I decided that the better option for me was to  put down the knife and to ignore my procrastination in picking up the camera instead.

My new focus in life has become my YouTube channel and my hope is that it will prevent me from entering that state of depression and fear once again.